Today, May 25th, 2012, at 10am, it will be 8 years since I started dialysis. When I began, I didn’t think it would last this long, I was thinking it would only be two, maybe three years. I thought I’d get another kidney quickly, like the first two times, or if it went longer than three years, that someone in my family would step up and offer to give me one. But here it is, 8 years, and no one has ever offered. IT’s kind of sad, really, to have a family such as mine, full of cousins on both sides, and not one has ever offered. I exist now only because I am connected to a machine for four hours a day, three times a week. Life support. Without it, I will die. That will be my existance for the rest of my life, it seems, as I don’t believe I will ever get another kidney.
I rowed my boat out to the middle of the lake. All seemed well until my boat sprung a leak and quickly sank. I was alone and treading water. Every once in a while someone would come along in a nice boat, see me treading water and say, “you look to be doing okay. You don’t need my help.” After a while I started to get tired and it was getting harder to keep my head above water. Still, everyone who came by thought I was fine and didn’t need their help.
This it how it feels for me on dialysis. Everyone knows i’m still in the water, but they think i’m okay and don’t need help, when they couldn’t be more wrong. You can only do dialysis for so long before it takes everything out of you. I may look fine, and for the most part, my body does all that it’s supposed to, but mentally and emotionally, I could still use that hand to pull me out of the water. I see so many people who have friends and family coming out the woodwork, offering to donate kidneys, but no one in my family has done so. They’ve left me in the water, and i’m tired. I’m not sure if I can hold my head up much longer.
I think this one is going to be a fun one… *G*
Last November my mother and I met with Emily, the renal social worker for our dialysis unit. She went over a few things that could help Mom and I fiscally and emotionally. One of the things she asked about was the possibility of a seeing-eye dog for me and how it might give me a little bit more independence.
I loved the idea, since I can’t really go out without someone with me. I even stopped walking around my neighborhood last spring, when I almost got hit by a car because I didn’t see it until it was almost right on top of me. I doubt the driver knew that I didn’t see them, and expected me to just get out of the way. I did, but only at the last second.
Emily called the CNIB in Nova Scotia, as they are who distributes the dogs and they told her that I needed what they called, “aggressive cane training” before I could be paired with a dog. That was fine with me, since, even though I do have a cane, I was only given about five minutes of training with it when I was seventeen. I never use it, mostly because I don’t really know how.
So, I got a call back from the trainer that’s here on the Island, and he can start training me on Tuesday. I’m so excited, and a bit nervous. I’m hoping this guy isn’t too drill sargenty, cuz I don’t think I’ll get along well with him, plus I’m always nervous when meeting new people on my own. As nervous as I am, I really can’t wait to begin. The cane training alone will give me more independence than I’ve had in a long time.
I’ll let you know how this goes
