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Since the dialysis non drama is over, I figured I'd change this to an anything or whatever blog. Could still be dialysis related,... or not

my old blog, from 2005ish to 2008


18 October 14

I’ve decided to be a guitar player.. I think..

So, I recently decided to learn how to play guitar. I figured, since there was one in the house anyway, I might as well. I’ve also been listening to too much Janis Ian. I love her playing, and would love to be able to play like her, but since she has 50 years of experience, and I don’t, I doubt I’ll ever get to that level.

The guitar that we have is my brother’s guitar. It’s been sitting in our living room for years, just sitting. Once in a while, Steve would pick it up and play around with it, but too smallt other than that, it was untouched.

I looked at some online lessons in youtube, then my friend, Kelly, pointed me towards an Intro to guitar course on It’s an awesome site, btw, you should check it out. The course started on Monday, so I sat and watched the videos, but when I actually tried to play the first two chords that were being taught, I couldn’t get my hand around the neck of the guitar. My hands are just too small.

Mom and I went to the music store today, mostly because I wanted a strap for the guitar. I thought it would make it easier. I ended up buying a new, smaller guitar. It was easier, and it actually sounded the same as what the instructor on the computer was playing.

So, since I bought the guitar, I guess I”m committed to learning to play it.

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10 October 14

When a weary body and mind collide

I am tired.
I am tired of not being understood by people who are supposed to be my friends.
I am tired of not being listened to by medical professionals.
I am tired of being judged by family members.
I am tired of having two very lerge needles jabbed into my arm three days a week.
I am tired of feeling like a useless lump of crap.
I am tired of having no energy.
I am tired of disappointing people.
I am tired of being alone.
I am tired of feeling like the further I go, the further behind I seem to be.
I am tired of jumping through hoops.
I am tired of wearing a mask to make everyone else comfortable and happy.
I am tired of pretending that everything is fine when it isn’t.
I am just tired.

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10 September 14

The void in my life

I woke this morning from a dreamless sleep. I hate dreamless sleep. It frightens me. It’s like a void in consciousness where you are somewhat aware, but you are in a black nothing. I sometimes wonder if that is what it will feel like to be dead. I’m so glad it doesn’t happen very often.

From the void, I began thinking about love, and if I will ever find it, or if I’ll just always be alone. It’s not like I’m not happy being alone. I’ve always been alone, really, from the time I was a child. I never had many friends. When I was six, my parents made me one, my little brother. He was my playmate, my tormentor, my greatest ally, and my darkest foe. We are still close and I don’t think that is something that will ever leave us, but still he has left me alone as well. He grew up, and now has a family of his own, and doens’t have the time he once did for me.

Being alone at lot gives me time to think, or maybe overthink, about the love I would like to have. I wish for someone who I can wrap my arms around at night and fall asleep happy. I wish for someone who will love me for me and all my crazyness. I have a lot of weird quirks that could drive a person insane. I’m sure my best friend will agree with me. She’s never said so, but I know I can get on her last nerve sometimes, but she seems to have accepted that part of me. I’ve never met anyone who was that tolerant and intolerant of me at the same time. Now, if I could only find that in someone who wants me as more than a friend.

The lonely part of being alone must be coming out in me more than it used to. The long for the touch of another human, I’m sure, is a common one, but not one that I’m overly fond of. It gets more and more painful as time goes on and nothing changes. I wish I knew how to make that change.

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31 August 14
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28 August 14

Nurses. Friends we’re not allowed to have on Facebook.

I had a dream about one of my dialysis nurses the other night. I was upset because she told me she was leaving.  When I started thinking about it, I realized that I hadn’t seen her in a while.  

I think I need to explain something before I go on.  When you go to dialysis, you see the same nurses three days a week for years on end. You get to know them really well, more than you would if you were an impatient in a hospital. They become like family, and when one is missing, you notice.

This particular nurse is one of my favorites.  I’ve been coming to this unit for almost six years, and she was here before that.  We have funny stories that we can tell about each other, stories that we will both probably tell long after I no longer need this treatment.

A few years ago, this particular nurse had cancer, and she was off work for a while.  I worried about her, and I was glad when she returned.  When I told her that I’d missed her, she gave me a hug.

I noticed a while ago that she wasn’t here.  All I knew was that she was sick, and that’s all anyone would say.  She came in one day, saying hello to everyone.  I knew she was at the hospital for a medical appointment, though.  She had a blood requisition in her hand.

When I had the dream the other night, it got me thinking about how long she’s been gone. I’d say that it’s been a few months. I worried that maybe she’d left her job completely. I asked one of the nurses, who I thought would tell me what was going on. She told me that she didn’t really know, just that this nurse had been sick and had been having trouble transitioning back. She didn’t know if this nurse had gotten sick again or not.

So, now I’m worried. I don’t think she would leave her job without coming in to say goodbye. There are other patients who’ve been at this longer than I have, and we all get attached. I just hope she’s doing okay.

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Themed by Hunson. Originally by Josh