I rowed my boat out to the middle of the lake. All seemed well until my boat sprung a leak and quickly sank. I was alone and treading water. Every once in a while someone would come along in a nice boat, see me treading water and say, “you look to be doing okay. You don’t need my help.” After a while I started to get tired and it was getting harder to keep my head above water. Still, everyone who came by thought I was fine and didn’t need their help.
This it how it feels for me on dialysis. Everyone knows i’m still in the water, but they think i’m okay and don’t need help, when they couldn’t be more wrong. You can only do dialysis for so long before it takes everything out of you. I may look fine, and for the most part, my body does all that it’s supposed to, but mentally and emotionally, I could still use that hand to pull me out of the water. I see so many people who have friends and family coming out the woodwork, offering to donate kidneys, but no one in my family has done so. They’ve left me in the water, and i’m tired. I’m not sure if I can hold my head up much longer.
I’m getting so sick of seeing people on facebook and twitter asking the public for a kidney donor. The latest one I’ve seen is of a woman in Vancouver who’s transplanted kidney is failing, and she is looking for a new donor. She doesn’t want to go on dialysis. Big fucking deal. I’ve been on dialysis for 7 and a half years. I’ve been waiting my turn like every other poor schlub on dialysis. Why is this woman better than anyone else on dialysis? Because she’s a mother? I know many other mothers who are on dialysis and seem to be doing fine at the job with their kids. Is it because she’s young? I’m younger than she is. I don’t think it’s fair that those who know how to spin a good sob story should be able to jump the line by appealing to the public. Dialysis is no picnic, but it’s not a death sentence. There are so many different options for dialysis these days, especially if you are in a larger centre. I’ve never asked the public for a kidney. I’ve asked my family, but they ignored me. To those people who are not really sick, who are pleading with the public to give them a kidney, I say, grow the fuck up and wait your turn. You are no more deserving than anyone else.
On Monday, the nurses decided to try a different spot for my needles, to avoid aneurysms. It was also a blood work day. They did get the needle in, and were able to get the blood out, but the second they began to flush the line, my arm started to burn. The one good thing, the nurse who got the blood is one who’s known me for six years, even though I’ve only been doing hemo for a little less than two years, so when I said to take it out, she did, no hesitation.
While she was holding, I could feel it swelling. She can be rather rough, so at first I thought she was putting too much pressure on the site, but once I reached over and touched my upper arm, I knew that it wasn’t her causing the pain. My arm had swelled to almost twice it’s size, and the tissue was hard and tender to the touch. I went home Monday without being dialyzed.
I went back in Tuesday, and cringed when I saw that there was more blood work to be done. They were able to get the blood without any real issues, and they set me up with a single needle. They did the same on Wednesday and Friday.
Today is Saturday (technically, it’s after midnight, so it’s Sunday, but whatever) and my arm is not as swollen as it was, but it’s still rather hard and tender to the touch, and I haven’t got the mobility in it that I did Monday before dialysis. Because of the loss of mobility, I’m afraid of other damage that might have been done than just infiltration. I’m going to leave it till the end of next week, and if I don’t see any improvement, I’m going to ask to have it looked at for nerve damage..
